Monday Ranting: Opposites Week on Sesame Street…The Gender Swapping Edition

See the difference a beard makes...any questions!

See the difference a beard makes…any questions!

Sometimes random hashish pops into my head. It sneaks its way in between more important thoughts and begins to consume me until I speak on it with the peoples. Does this happen to others? Just curious, you know I’m nosy on the low. Any ways over the weekend I started thinking about what I would do if I woke up as a man. Is this abnormal to you Lovelies? As odd thoughts go this is probably low on my scale of 10, 10 being stupid outrageous and hashish. But back to the matter at hand, if I woke up with a peen and facial hair what would I do with myself?

First I feel like I need to put some parameters around this maleness, mostly because as a regimented creative soul I need rules – don’t try to understand my flow. Number one rule – no one is thrown off by this change, you know answering questions would inevitably monopolize my time if folk were confused about my bait and switch. The change would happen in the beginning of November and I would be able to switch back by month’s end but only after I missed a menstruation cycle. There should at least be a benefit to being a man for a month, if not chucking the deuces to Aunt Flow than what else? I would also request that I maintain my over average height…short men don’t heart their lots in life and I’d hate to experience small man’s syndrome, just saying. No offense smediums!

If I woke and had to live as a dude, what exactly would I do and with whom would I do it  did I do something right there? Probably not but any who, shall I proceed?

Make up for Lost Time by Participating in Movember

That’s right I’m jealous that men grow facial hair that is uber segsilicious. And yes I just made up a word, segsilicious. Women and facial hair is the opposite of the bidness, just saying, no one has complimented a chick on her peach fuzz. I would like to be seen as a dapper dude with a beard the bishes love. Waking up a papichulo gives me the opportunity to experience the lovefest from the other side of the ‘stache…I likes it a lot. I imagine that my added height and almost middle of the bar complexion with the face fuzz will get the girls’ engines revved. I could be wrong but I doubts it. I doubts it very much.

It’s a known and accepted fact o’ life that the beard makes the man. Just imagine the Dos Equis hombre without his chin whiskers…yeah he’s definitely not the most interesting man in the world anymore, is he? He’s hella distinguished and when he says he’s the most interesting man in the world the salt and pepper beard leads me to believe him and know he’s experienced life in ways no beardless dude has. I could be reaching here.

Eat Excessively without Remorse

By nature men have more muscle mass than women. As a result of said natural muscle mass they are able to lose weight quicker because their muscle is working overtime. Have you ever seen a man eat? No really have you ever seen an adult man shovel bowls and plates and platters of food in his mouth all while never unbuttoning his 32in waist jeans during Thanksgiving dinner? This doesn’t happen for women…no it just doesn’t. I strongly glance at a bowl of ice cream and feel the fat jump on my thighs. It’s an effn plague on my house.

Personally, I admire the ability to eat half a rhino slathered in bacon and cheese with no repercussions. I want this life. Well not really, this could explain the high rates of heart disease and decreased life expectancy and hashish but damn don’t it look fun. Considering this is only a month of dude shyt I would go balls to the wall, literally, and just eat every thing I wanted! There’s a fat bish named Bertha living inside my body that I keep at bay for fear of cankles; don’t judge me!

Play with the Peen

Yeah you knew it was coming…how could I go a month with a tail and dingle-berries betwixt my legs without giving them a whirl. I hold a strong belief that most men touch their peen in a non-secksual but secksual way at least once a day confirming that it has not taken up legs and walked off their frames. I oftentimes wonder if men feel their peen’s presence similar to the way we women sense our boobs. Minus brisk winds and the throbbing associated with ovulation causing the bosom to weigh me down like an anchor on a ship, the midgets rarely register. But I feel like a peen is different. I feel like it has a presence that mimics that of the forever-token person of color in a PWI (predominately white institution), simultaneously comfortable and uncomfortable, a double consciousness if you will. Of course I could be over thinking this. Remember I told y’all I have oodles of random thoughts; this would be another one of them.

At some point during the excursion in maleness I will twerk butt butterball nekkid in the mirror just to see what it looks like with a flapping appendage. I will also do bare bum jumping jacks, measure it with a ruler and against household objects, and/or send close up unsolicited peentures (peen pictures) via text to chicks I barely know just because I can. Don’t even try to tell me that no man has ever done these things before because I know you’re lying. Guys do dumb shyt all the time that boggles the mind because men own the rights to the dumb shyt monopoly game. That being the case I truly believe that a month of being a man will provide me enough time to do all the random hella stupid hashish my id thinks up that my ego talks me out of on a daily basis.

But what says you Lovelies, if you woke up tomorrow with a month of opposites week on Sesame Street what would you do? If time permits making in rain on some heauxs might play into my situation, but I don’t know if I’ll have enough time. As always speak on it in the comments, to share is to care and hashish!

P.S. Here are some of my favorite beards! You’re welcome in advance.

braylon edwards

charlie hunnam

common

daniel sunjata

idris elba

Joe Manganiello Hosts The Evening At Moon

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Comments
4 Responses to “Monday Ranting: Opposites Week on Sesame Street…The Gender Swapping Edition”
  1. iamdashsr says:

    Well Hello there… Funny how things happen. Faith, This is Scott your neighbor from Uptown and let me tell you that I am very glad to have found your blog. I read this and due to the fact that I am at work I was limited to the audible laughs this post brought out in me.

    This… This right here… is greatness. I am no authority, but I am fluent in internet and this has so much win in it.

    Your thought process throughout this was so spot on.

    As a man, I wanted to touch and reply to a few specific points…

    Just let me tell you, as a bearded man of medium complection, and slightly above average height and build… The attention a beard can bring is not always what it seems. There is no middle ground. Speaking from lots of experience… Women either Love the beard or HATE the beard. Damn, there are a lot of women that are undercover beard lovers… but with love comes hate… Hate from women to find a big ‘ol gnarly beard “nasty” (Have you seen my IG pictures? I have been growing my beard out for almost a year so I know) Did I mention that my wife hates my beard and I’m a little bitter about this fact? I mean a Lion doesn’t cut his mane, why should I have to cut my beard?

    On having a Peen… again your assesement is pretty spot on as an external appendage your assesement of likining it to your boobs. I honestly never thought about it that way but it is a very accurate summation. The more I think about this the more I agree… You know how women need to adjust their breasts in a bra? Well that same holds true for men… well for some men. I’m sure you are aware that boobs come in different sizes as well as peens (let me tell you this is the most I have ever used the term “peen” and it is slightly disturbing, but I digress) There are times when sitting can cause some binding if you will and the need to “Free Willy” will need to arise. But just as you said nothing sexual. Onto the horseplay, if you will. Every man has measured and compared his peen to objects… it is a fact of life. #carryon Nothing else needs to be said about that. Lastly, The “peentures” as you called them… I can honestly say I have never send one. Not even to my wife of almost 10 years. That shit comes back to bite you in the ass well in this case… the peen. So, nope… Not ‘gon be able to do it.

    I for one am now following your blog and will not assert any pressure for you to keep this up, but dammit this is great. You have a new fan and I will be going back and reading lost of your other posts… so brace yourself… lots of my comments are coming. You have been warned.

    — DASH

    • Faith M. says:

      Hola Scott its a small world you know. Side note I had to redact your message to keep some anonymity round these parts. In any man’s river welcome and hashish. I’m glad you enjoyed the post. I will say I blog sporadically at best these days but I want to get back to 3 posts per week. Maybe in the new year.

      I call bullshyt on this peenture thing but it maybe so only because you’ve been married during the decade of the sexter. And I will assume your wife needs no introduction to your man parts mmmkay! I may want to talk to her before I fully say you never did it, as well as convince her that beards are the bidness.

      I will leave you with the one bit of advice, happy wife, happy life. Ok two, sorry for making you use peen more times than you felt comfortable.

      • iamdashsr says:

        Not a problem. I hate actually using my Govie on the Web but I wanted to make sure you knew who it was… After I saw your blog in the IG bio I followed and damn I am glad I did. So now that you know… On the internet I go mostly by “DASH” or ” I Am Dash, Sr.” IAMDASHSR, So when you see me make sure I know you saw me.

        I think the Peenture thing does have something to do with the whole I’ve been married too long but I also have a fear of the internet and I try to not put EVERYthing out there for public consumption.

        Oh and I welcome the conversation with my wife about the benifits of bearded men.

        I know oh too well about trying to actually post to a blog and keep it updated. I had one to go with my Youtube stuff to kind of explain the behind the videos if you will and that was a ship that sailed… docked and never sailed agian. Damn adulthood and no real time to do fun stuff like pour your heart out to the internet for no one but yourself to read. Therapy at it’s best!

  2. I have to disagree here, but only w/the choice of Jax Teller’s beard, as opposed to Opie’s. Opie’s beard & the man himself was just EVERYTHING!

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