Monday Ranting: Philly Philly….Philly Where I Am From…

YEEEEEEEESSSSSS Philly Stand Up!!!!

YEEEEEEEESSSSSS Philly Stand Up!!!!

If anyone is confused I hail from the city of brotherly love and sisterly affection. I bleed Eagles green and I moderately go hard in the paint for the Sixers. After a detachment from the game of basketball following some minor health complications I can’t support them with as much fervor as I have in the past…don’t ask and I won’t tell. If the Flyers and/or Phillies are winning I will verbally shyt on all other teams whether I know why I should or not…it’s because I’m from Philly. It’s what we do! It’s how we’re raised! It’s who we are! I kid I kid…slightly! It’s because of this true adoration for my city that it pains me when tomfuckery unbecoming the birthplace of the republic paints Philadelphia in a bad light. Just recently Model Friend sent a video clip of what may or may not have been a crack head getting jumped by some children and as the world turns it was in Philly. Although I call bullshyt because everyone knows crack heads don’t sit still long enough to be beat up by anyone I cannot deny it may or may not have been my fair city. It probably was but I ain’t claiming that hashish. Anywho the whole point of this was to say that despite my full out lovefest with my hometown, there are a few things about Philly that grind my gears. And I mean really agitate my colon, no red hot chili pepper.

The Infamous PPA (Philadelphia Parking Authority)

The Parking Wars is not just a show on A&E. What you’re witnessing is real. The participants are not actors they are actual citizens who’ve had their cars ticketed while parking on an actual Philadelphia street. No car is safe and wallets will be empty. Reading the signs is of no consequence because on a single block there can be no less than 6 different parking rules. Within a block span it makes absolutely no sense that parking starts at 7:30AM, 8AM, 9AM and ends at 6PM, 6:30PM, and 8PM. Say word? Word!

Additionally the PPA employs a group of ruthless minions who traipse around the city placing tickets on windshields. Trifling arse motha sucking arse bastids!!! Yeah that was a little aggressive but there is no pain like the pain of $300 tickets on your car after a night of adult type shenanigans. Adding icing to the eff’d up cake, these bastids tow your hashish in a red hot minute with no remorse. Have you ever cried because your tricked out black on black BMW 3 series was hoisted on the legs of the tow truck and the driver refused to let it down? No…me either but I’ve seen a grown man cry and it wasn’t in the dark. True? True!

The Effing Potholes (Where are my tax dollars going – clearly not to education or fixing the roads!)

I’m noticing a car related theme…whateves. Regardless of the neighborhood’s designation (good or bad) the streets are crapstastic. From the cobblestone in Chestnut Hill (I would say Manayunk but you yuppies think it’s a city all to itself) to the forever potholes down “The Bottom” the road takes no prisoners. Drive at your own risk and alignments beware…evil lurks. Where are the city-wage taxes being spent especially in light of the fact that we barely have firemen, libraries, or schools? (MESSAGE) iStruggle every time I turn on the ignition. Gambling with my automobile is the opposite of the bizzness but since this ain’t Star Trek and I don’t own a teleportation machine I have to do it.

What agitates my colon more, driving with folk who do everything possible to avoid the potholes risking my life to save their cars! I get it I get it cars are expensive and hashish but my life is priceless boo boo. Not sure about you but I want to see the next episode of The Walking Dead, Rick testes finally descended and what have you. But seriously eff your alignment I want to survive to see another day and the swerving into oncoming traffic of it all is not good for my complexion.

The Stereotypical Philly Girl

It’s been said a time or two that spotting a Philly girl in a crowd is in a word…easy. I cannot confirm nor deny the actual factual-ness of the prior statement. What I will say is Philly has a way about it that breaks color barriers, class, and/or any other social construct used to divide us. Philly is as Philly does. At the same token it pains my heart when I see and/or hear folks refer to me as a Philly Girl when I know that they know that I know in their mind they’ve conjured THIS! Look we all have the capacity to go there! Call it the bag of last resort. And believe it or not going there isn’t always a bad thing…sometimes you have to let folks know that you’re in ya bag. What does that mean exactly?

Minus the use of someone being a whole problem I’m not sure if I’ve fallen victim to using any of these marginally known Philly girl phrases…wait there have been times when I’ve told people it ain’t bout nothing, I don’t even eff with you like that, and/or he ain’t even about that life. There has been a time or two that I needed extra emphasis and I had to clap talk – which isn’t necessarily a Philly thing as much as it’s a way to let people know I’m all the way serious. I’ve seen it employed by chicks of the Atlanta, NYC, DC variety therefore making it universally the language of making a point. The point is this label Philly Jawn isn’t particularly a badge of honor and I don’t want folk proclaiming my Philly-ness because I’m getting it the eff twocking…again what does this even mean? Believe it or not some of the most cultured folk I know are Philly natives…not sure if that makes or breaks my case. But you get what I’m saying it’s a craptacular stereotype of a Philly Girl that I don’t want associated with my city let alone myself. I rebuke it in the name of baby Jesus. That is all.

But what says you Lovelies, what are the 2-3 things you love and hate about Philly? Or about your fair city? I can be persuaded that your place is better than my place. Doubtful though cause we got 24hr WaWa’s snitches. Anywho to share is to care and hashish!

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Comments
4 Responses to “Monday Ranting: Philly Philly….Philly Where I Am From…”
  1. iamdashsr says:

    I too bleed 215 and again can agree with this as a whole… The opening bit about the sports teams Oh so true but to me the Eagles and the Phillies are where it’s at. The Flyers have quietly won championships and gone unnoticed and then there are the Sixers… Well that’s all I have to say about that.

    Not going to comment much on the whole PPA thing but to play devils advocate… they are doing a job. They are heartless and hide behind their jobs when being a human and a decent person might be more in order… I have never had a run in with them but I am not usually in areas that they frequent often when I am home. I will add this… My Younger brother was on the show during an early season. Now his car was not towed or ticketed but a branch fell on it and the PPA person felt bad and while the PPA dude was talking to the camera my brother comes running down the street with the line… Yep you guessed it… ” HEY… HEY… That’s my car” Needless to say it is real and he didn’t get a ticket.

    Potholes… Let me just hang my head now… I am a car guy and that being said my car is lowered and in the summer I have a nicer set of wheels I put on my car… With those things being said I am always in pothole/obstacle avoidance mode when I drive ANYWHERE… I currently live in Baltimore and I can tell you that B-more streets are FAR worse. But when we get to our destination I’ll ask you … “But did you die?” If the answer is no… then sit down and be quiet… I mean you could have driven. IJS

    You spoke about cobblestones in Chestnut Hill. Do you know the story behind the cobblestones and why they were used as road surface in lots of major port citys? There is some food for thought for you.

    • Faith M. says:

      Hola Juan Lupe,

      The PPA is the debil, sorry. I kid I kid, they really are just doing a job and I get that but after living in Old City I developed an extreme distaste for the parking authority. It did teach me to read the signs closely however, a few of them really think writing tickets is a game…that’s just evil.

      I now know never to ride with you in the summer. This whole pothole avoidance over passenger safety is not what it’s made for. And please enlighten me my good brethren on the stories behind the cobblestone…I’m all ears!

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