Pop Culture Wednesday: Sternly Worded Letter for Miley Cyrus

The Smiths pretty much sum up my entire viewing experience...SMDH

The Smiths pretty much sum up my entire viewing experience…SMDH

As a rule of thumb I skip award shows because I find them less than entertaining. None of my selected artists make it to the stage for acceptance speeches so I just pass. Maybe I’m being a sore loser, yo no se! Well the most recent MTV Video Music Awards solidified my decision to avoid award shows at all costs. With today’s social media there really isn’t a reason to ever watch because the more entertaining piece is the Twitterdom, Facebooking, Instagram picturing that happens later. After devilish innaweb alerts bombarded my phone I couldn’t resist Youtubing the performance of the artist formerly known as Hannah Montana and her zebra-striped sidekick Robin Thicke. The 4-5 minutes of my life lost during the performance I will never get back. And for that reason alone I must pen a sternly worded letter to Ms. Miley Cyrus.

Dear Miley Cyrus,

You need more people. I don’t 100% blame you for the VMA debacle that happened on Sunday because we all have not quite bright ideas but Baaaaay-Be you need more than a few seats \_ \_ \_. I know rehearsals took place and several of your friends and/or family were present. In that rehearsing moment your clique should have stepped up and showed out, shouting from the rooftops against anything remotely like what you performed on the stage with the 21st century Beetlejuice O_____O!

There are so many questions running through my mind. At the very tip top of my frontal lobe, who created your performance concept and designed your wardrobe? Not that I’m all the way in the know but folks who twerk professionally (at the club) and unprofessionally (in the bathroom) never gyrate with a teddy bear on their backs. When I think of twerking my mind rarely if ever drifts toward the build-a-bear crowd, I could be wrong though because twerking isn’t my field of expertise. With that said I do know a little bit about a little bit and from what I saw, Miley Sweetie Boop, you ain’t ‘bout that twerk life. Now there were a couple of dancers on the stage who looked to have the twerking chops but with those ginormous Teddy Ruxpin dolls on their backs it was difficult to know for certain.

If that wasn’t enough Miley, you don’t actually have the body for the party. I’m sorry Sweets but it must be said. Many, well most of the twerk videos I’ve seen to date showcased some big bootie cutie and the others were the girls that are the boys who know how to pop that thang. Don’t get me wrong Sweetness; you used to be cute circa 2011. But something has gone horribly to the left. There is nothing wrong perse with your shape. Noassatall is a body style women of your persuasion possess and many many men appreciate, just not the ones who enjoy twerk videos. Hell not even the women who enjoy twerk videos were fully prepared for the un-holiness you unleashed. Look there are some things that work and some that don’t. Skin tone pleather shorts on an inverted butt with no hips or thighs in no way screams twerk it twerk it twerk it, just saying.

I recognize your rebellious urges are doing the absolute most to distance current day Miley from Hannah Montana but this whole twerk lane should be rethought. While I’m at it the shaved cut is epically failing. It’s not cute on you. Sweets you want to be edgy, I get it, but you’re not Rihanna. Hell you’re not even Cassie. And while it must be difficult pulling your barely grown self out from the shadows of tyke stardom I would suggest taking a page from Justin Timberlake not Britney Spears. As you mature, your music will change because you know what, your experiences change; this is all that’s needed to shed the ghost of child star past. It’s not necessary to pop mollys with rappers or act a plum park ape on stage to let the world know you no longer drink juice boxes at lunch. Have you learned nothing from your sister-in-arms Amanda Bynes?

Before I close, it wouldn’t be right to let you off the hook without mentioning the taste level of your performance. Granted you have the complexion for the protection which allows you the ability to do horribly disrespectful things during prime time that others aren’t allotted but I’d be remiss not mentioning that grabbing a married man’s peen, smacking a fat woman’s bum, and dry humping a foam hand in front of millions does not a lady make. Being a lady is probably the least of your concerns these days but please be mindful no one really supports perceived whores. I’m not clocking your kooter kat miles so I have no way of knowing if you are in fact a heaux. I’m simply saying be mindful of your image because Bay-Be you’re a long way from being Madonna. And if this is the lane in which you want to travel how about you take some lessons from pop stars who walk the sex sells line well, a la Ciara. She does a lot of twerk-esque performances that are for the grown and sexy. She does it well and it never comes off trashy. You need a mentor and a hug.

Signed,

I Want My Five Minutes of Lost Life Back

What says you Lovelies, any words (stern or otherwise) for Ms. Miley Cyrus? What did you think of her performance? Thumbs up or down? Speak on it in the comments and as always to share it so to care and hashish.

P.S. I didn’t watch the show in its entirety so I can’t comment on its merits, if any. I will assume it was a shyt show/train wreck but I could always we wrong. Let me know.

P.S.S. Twerking ain’t for the mild at heart.

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Comments
5 Responses to “Pop Culture Wednesday: Sternly Worded Letter for Miley Cyrus”
  1. Refused to watch it when it aired. Caught the buzz & managed to somehow turn on the re-airing right when this performance came on. But the convo on the phone was far more engaging & I missed the whole thing right before my very eyes. & then I didn’t care enough anymore. Plus, the pictures comparing her to raw chicken & a camel (or was it giraffe) made it so that I can’t even look this child directly in her face (thru the screen of course). So, I’m over it & thankful that I don’t have to waste 5 min being mad about the 5 min watching this would’ve wasted.

    • Faith M. says:

      Yes indeed you missed nothing and saved yourself the misery of losing 5 minutes of precious time you can’t get back. I do on some level feel sad for Miley Cyrus, you can’t tell from this post but I do because I imagine if there were a camera all up and through my business when I was coming of age, I can’t even think of the horrors it would show. Granted this post was simply in jest but I do feel a little bad for her.

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