Stream of Consciousness: Thirty Years in Review

Ostensibly unedited, spontaneous live or recorded performances, intended to recreate the raw experience of the person portrayed or the performer....

Editor’s Note: First I’d like to apologize for the extended hiatus, although my reasons were legitimate. Second I’d like to personally thank all those kind blog readers and blog buddies who reached out to show genuine concern through my tumultuous September. Know that your extended virtual friendship was very much appreciated. For those out of the know, my Grans passed away early in the month forcing me to face a lot of family hashish that was long overdue. During that time being my slightly humorous always snarky self was not high on the list of wants to do. Additionally I was in the process of moving, my birthday came and went along with that of the Little Sister and my Godson. Not to mention The Best Friend was hit by a teenager who lost his shyt and burst into tears. Dapper Dan was hospitalized for suga complications and Benson and Stabler will very shortly no longer be cat detectives. It’s been a very emotionally compromising September, and we all know how unprepared I am to deal with uncapped emotions. With that said I hope to come back to blogging with new vigor…I hope!

In the past few weeks I’ve learned a lot about myself. After Grans passed away I immediately felt a pulling in the pit of my stomach to make things right with my dad. If for no other reason besides releasing the anger I have on my heart to at least make Grans proud. She truly was a remarkable woman. And by right I simply mean acknowledge his existence. I finally realized that some people just can’t help who they are. No matter who you want someone to be because of a supposed relationship doesn’t mean that’s who he will be. Teaching an old dog new tricks is futile and expecting that my dad will be father of the year is about as practical as Lil Wayne being attractive. Since nature planned otherwise I must accept him for who he is, just a flawed man, hakuna matata!

When The Man Wander Married (my dad) went to hug me surprisingly, I hugged him back. Death clearly trumps petty shyt. Not that my reasons for thinking he’s an arsehole are unfounded, because arse he is. However in those moments following my Gran’s passing there was no benefit in rubbing wounds with salt. I’m not a cruel person by nature and kicking puppies isn’t a hobby. So I gave in to the softer side of Faith. This could have something to do with turning the page on my twenties, yo no se.

Because Wander likes to complicate my life space she invited dear ole daddy to my birthday dinner. I wasn’t in the position to say no because she cleverly combined my dinner with my sister’s. Sneaky wench! Since The Little Sister and The Man Wander Married have the best relationship of all the kids how could I cancel his invite? Rude! Score one for Wander…she needs to stop though.

Grans passing total recalled October 2008 live and in techno color. That’s when my Pop-Pop passed away. Emotionally devoid and searching for answers to questions I never knew I had I turned haphazardly into the relationship that’s pretty much defined my adult life. This recent death flung me railing into the What If game heavy. Since 2008 I’ve always had The Spaniard’s shoulder. Above all other people, he was able to calm my spirits. When The Little Brother was desperately ill no one soothed me like The Spaniard. So there I was emotionally raw and at my weakest point with no Spaniard to make it better. It took all of me to successfully fight the urge to go back on promises we made to each other to end all communication. That. Was. Hard. Yet I’m grateful I pushed through it without my human crutch but not without thinking about the state of all things romantical. See that, what ifs all large and in charge.

I took a moment to evaluate what’s transpired in my dating world since floating The Spaniard off the island. First I took some time to get him out of my system. That’s just my way…I don’t like opening a tall drink without completely finishing the first. Second, I started the whole process of dating, oh the thrill!

This summer brought about some interesting characters of the male persuasion. I won’t go into any specific detail about them but know the season was ripe with fake nice guys, adult in body kid in mind dudes, Trojan horses, and a couple unicorns. One day next week I’ll elaborate on these categories. Despite starting the summer with the idea to date different, I followed an unfamiliar route to the same result; attracting and fooling around with men I see no future with for a number of reasons. I have this uncanny ability to scan a room and find the exact man who’s perfectly wrong for me, knowing this and still going through the motions. If this isn’t the personification of commitment issues I know not what is.

Detaching from all things social for a month because of tragedy taught me a lesson in friendship. No time like the present for autumn cleaning. It dawned on me that friendship is a word that many use incorrectly. I’m no longer putting myself out for people who don’t reciprocate. It takes too much energy and provides no benefit. In a month’s span I whittled a laundry list down to a handful. It just makes more sense that way.

I’m looking forward to new beginnings….

5 Responses to “Stream of Consciousness: Thirty Years in Review”
  1. Holli says:

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you’re taking stock of your life and you’re looking at the folks who are in it and deciding who adds value and who does not. You reach a point where that becomes very necessary.

    • Faith M. says:

      Hola Holli,

      Ain’t that the truth. I feel like I’m in the middle of a fresh new beginning… getting rid of the old to make room for the new.

  2. cardiogirl says:

    Faith I am so sorry to hear about your grandma and all of the craziness that’s been going on. Oy.

    I really don’t want to step on your toes, but I’m thrilled to hear that you fought through this turmoil without the Spaniard. He’s probably a fine man, but I’m still happy that you were able to confront this stuff on your own.

    And, as usual, I cannot leave a comment without highlighting my favorite Faithism. Today’s winner:

    First I took some time to get him out of my system. That’s just my way…I don’t like opening a tall drink without completely finishing the first.

    • Faith M. says:

      Oi Tudo Bon CG,

      Ouch…my toes are hurt…I kid I kid. The Spaniard is a memory. Yes I know I’ve said that time and time again but it is oh so real this time. I know for sure because I didn’t turn to him when my Grans passed away. Everyone once in awhile I do miss his arsehole tendencies, LOL!

Check out what others are saying...
  1. […] of culpability screams Faith…I’m all about taking personal responsibility, no dead beat dads. Last week, I shared with you lovelies that this past summer I met Fake Nice Guys, Adult in Body Kid in Mind […]

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