Blog Challenge Post 14: Unsolicited Letter to Bishop Eddie Long

The Pastor and The Predator!!!!

Not one to take credit where credit isn’t due I must give much love, peace and hair grease kudos to Luvvie for turning me onto the idea of a sternly worded letter. Her most recent gem full of mayhem, foolishness and good ole fashion Christian love was written to Lauryn “Rohan’s Playthang” Hill. I will neither confirm nor deny my agreement with Luvvie’s sentiment. Just know that there is a place to come home if Layered Lauryn decides to resurrect L-Boogie.

Anywho today’s selection from the choir…I mean today’s post is a letter that I may or may not e-mail to Bishop Eddie “I Need a Man” Long’s people. As you know persons of his pomp and circumstance do not commiserate with us reglahs unless he’s diddling a fiddle preaching to the congregation. Without further ado:

Dear Bishop Eddie Long,

Lemme start by saying we all fall short of the glory but errr not this far my dude. I know I know who am I to judge…but is this judgment really? I’d say this is a case of observing the obvious. I’ma go out on a limb and say that leading a congregation of simple minded nitwits poor unfortunate souls should be removed from your life space. And it’s not because you’s a homo. Homosexuals have a long-standing relationship with the Baptist church. They all head up the music ministry, but I digress. What I mean is I feel icky about my skin knowing that a closeted baby raper leads a flock of sheep.

And that is my problem! Grown arse folk who take advantage of ill equipped children are bottom feeders of the worse kind. By another name, child molester. Yes I know that was way harsh but a pig in a dress is still a pig. You jheri curl shimmied your way to the pulpit, gaining the most-high position to use it for your vice. And to be clear being gay is not the vice for the bible thumping Baptist thugs in the midst. You can take your Leviticus verses and put them where, back there.

But I digress, Bishop Bishop Bishop using your congregation, as a front for your dalliances is the antithesis of cool. Whose purse strings fronted your alleged $15 million undisclosed settlement checks to five young men? Was it the building fund offering plate? Inquiring minds and hashish, not that it matters, as it appears your ever-faithful flock are willing to let bygones be bygones. It seems you’ve somehow ascended to that MJ celebrity where taking innocence comes with a price tag and a turn the other cheek mantra. Apologies to the MJ STANS I know it’s a sour topic to which y’all will rebuke me to a seat alongside James Earl Ray on Satan’s balcony.

Bishop I got a question, who is Centino Kemp, a recent wrinkle to unfold from your settlement proceeding, no doubt. I find this gentleman most interesting. Not because his gay is live and in techno color but more because I find him to be the actual piece of straw that broke the camel’s back. Oh you thought that flower wasn’t gonna bloom huh boo boo? Reports indicate Centino’s sheer presence made you hot about the collar, in more ways than one I suspect. So much so that you rushed to settle before Mr. Pornography himself jumped out of your closet. As the story goes Centino was never an actual plaintiff but was included in the settlement nonetheless. Not. Surprising!

Maybe it’s that wrist tattoo that reads, Eddie Long Never a Mistake, Always a Lesson that ruffled your tail-feathers. Things that make you go hmmmmmm! Considering your bible knowledge I’d think you’d know, “He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts…” Me know no, you might have missed that verse in 1st Corinthians too busy frolicking with the boys in the youth choir.

Anywho isn’t there an internal Baptist Ministers of the world review board of some sort? Shouldn’t you have been ousted onto the streets with nothing but your tight t-shirt and bottle of soul glo? I mean my dude you abused five young men we know of, for every one that speaks there are at least two non-speaking tongues. Honestly your whole person upsets my life space on many levels.

There’s a warm spot on the devil’s baseball team waiting for you!

Yours truly,


What says you, do you think that the Bishop should be able to remain an active Pastor for the New Birth Missionary Baptist Church? Should the Bishop be able to use Church funds as hush money? Do you think his parishioners are wrong for supporting him against the current allegations? Remember to share is to care and hashish.

Side note stay tuned for Blog Challenge Post 15 where I’ll discuss names and nicknames…shenanigans I has it!

4 Responses to “Blog Challenge Post 14: Unsolicited Letter to Bishop Eddie Long”
  1. you know what? i ain’t feelin Bishop Eddie Longstroke not none at all. he’s allowed to exist, however, because his congregation is high off the rock he’s clearly cut & bagged for their elevation pleasures. how else could a group of adults completely ignore that this man is SICK? i’ll tell you? they’ve swallowed The Word in such large doses & only remember the “turn the other cheek” part. the coloreds are a forgiving people; they know not what they perpetuate.

    how is we gon’ shut him down if the people ain’t gon’ walk away? he’d hold service in a walmart parking lot w/his legions in tow just to try to prove that he’s……able.

    • Faith M. says:

      Aweezy, you ain’t never told no lie. The coloreds will forgive and forget…unfortunately what he did leaves stains that never go away. I’m sorry I turns the other cheek too but not before giving folk just what they deserve. Side note I’m laughing too hard envisioning a revival in a super wal-mart parking lot!

  2. Hey Faith, Eddie ain’t the first Rev. to do this. He just got caught. Personally, I say let him keep his church and money and idiot congregation. They all deserve each other. When I find the name of it, I’m gonna tell you about this church here in Alabama where the people believe that their Pastor is GOD. Not God-like or Goddish…GOD. They’re commanded not to associate with anyone outside their congregation and they vehemently, voraciously, violently and any other v-word defend their church and their God.

    I wish ol’ Eddie Youngshirt could see your letter. It would definitely remind his ass that we haven’t forgotten about him. Ciao, babe.


    • Faith M. says:

      Hola Chapster,

      This in no way surprises me. People are easily manipulated and susceptible to con (wo)men. It really is a shame that folks don’t posses better bullshyt detection skills. If it were a class I’d teach it for free.

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