Blog Challenge 10: Never Leave Home Without It…

On any given day you will find these items in my pocketbook. I figured it goes without saying that I carry a purse or a bag of some sort. I don't know any woman who doesn't carry something...and it's usually piled high with useless shyt but that's a whole other can of worms.

Before leaving the house I always double check to make sure I turned off my flat irons. It’s an OCD habit I picked up to add to my repartee of OCD habits that includes but is not limited to, turning the key in my back door so it sits vertical or opening and closing, opening and closing my shower curtain. Don’t judge me. Owning and accepting my quirk is how I roll. Either love me or leave me alone. I said alladis to say that when traveling these Illadelphian streets I typically have five things tucked at all times.

1. My I’m The Absolute Hashish and Cheese Grits Theme Music

Everyone who is anyone should arm herself with theme music. It helps with getting your power stroll on out here in these streets. I prefer ratchet songs of the chickenhead variety (note the music that starts playing 13 second into the clip) to put me in a happy place. Why skeezer songs create an overwhelming sense of euphoria I can’t fully articulate to you good folk but I do blame it on inner rat of the hood propensity. Trust in everyone lives a little Shondrinettakisha, of this I’m 62.9% positive. For years now Fine by Jackie-O existed as my internal Flavor Flav for most occasions. When I need to one two punch the sucka emcees of the corporate world I switch my inner iPod to I Go To Work by Kool Moe Dee. If you don’t know you better ask somebody.

2. A Shot of Snark with a Kool Demeanor Chaser

Old Faith was a bit of a bish so it was written so it was done. For good measure I used to throw in a touch of defensive arse heifer. The combination made for a very agitated colon. After some careful consideration, a lot of self-assessment and a pretty big shove from Model Friend I turned some personality leaves. I grew up if you will and shed some of my cynical veil. These days I wear a happy smile. But don’t get it twisted I’m a side-eyeing champion. If someone pops fly I won’t hesitate to put him back in his place. As I mentioned before a little Shondrinettakisha lives in us all. And I breaks out my g-checking abilities when need be. Overall I’m even keel though and keeps it light because I dig my face sans wrinkles and I plan on keeping it that way. Toffee don’t crack…oh wait that’s not right!

3. My Growing Recognition that I’m Getting Old

Honestly I can’t tell you when it happened. One day I woke up and I couldn’t relate to and/or understand half the music on the radio’s popular stations. What in Satan’s den is going on these days? And conversation with anyone under 20 requires generational decoding. iStruggle way hard communicating with these imps because half the shyt they say makes absolutely no sense. For instance a Gen Y told me that Put a Ring on it Knowles is better than Muthaeffin Anita Body and Soul Baker…bish please! Learn how to compose a ucking sentence that doesn’t contain any podunk arse acronym like LOL, OMG or IDK before debating me. Speak in actual words and pull up your gawt damn pants. You know this is a generation of folk who’ve never seen the B-side of a record and might actually lose a finger trying to make a call on a rotary phone if they even comprehended that it is a phone. iCry a lot of days silently to myself. They say there ain’t no hope for the youth and the truth is there ain’t no hope for the future…nah I’m not that cynical Pac… but I drive slow homie.

4. A Serious Case of Complexion Envy

Warning I am about to say something hella negrodian. Medium hued to dark skintded chicks get low grade hate from me because unless I stay in the sun all year round I NEVAH make it beyond burnt beige. They say the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice…epic life failure wall slide for me. My skin tone beyond burnt beige is peeling i.e. sunburn. Oh flaky burnt beige ain’t segsi huh, yeah I know. Heauxs with summer sun kissed fantabulous skin should play in traffic #Ihatechu…I kid only slightly tho because when I see them out in the streets I really really really wanna trip them. I know this is wrong…but I can’t change my envy. It is an innate thing within my spirit that forces me to sometimes passionately wish upon a star that I wake up medium toffee all year long. This could be a case of wanting what we don’t have much like the curly top crew wanting straight hair and vice versa. Unsatisfied much yeah I know there’s a baby violin playing somewhere for me, eff ya baby violin!

5. My Overwhelming Need for Personal Space

Yes I require everyone to stay in his/her imaginary box of personal space. Unless I know you and when I say know you I mean well don’t even think about invading Faithadelphia without the proper papers and forms of identification. Do not pass go do not collect two hunnid dollars. Sounds snarky right…hmm read the blog title. My only exceptions, crowded subway cars, elevators and family/friend gatherings. I recognize the hug monsters grab hold of many during friendly engagements and the acceptable form of approach is a warm embrace. I’m willing to make concessions. Of course if you’re a dude and I don’t know you and a warm embrace must occur please respect my boundaries. Our nether regions need not touch so butt out hugs are oh so necessary. Don’t make me cutcha!

Hmm, I might need to see someone about that last one, yo no se! Outside of those intangibles I listed above I never leave home without my iPhone, wallet, car key, passport and lip-gloss. On a side note tho try to stay cool out here in these streets because this is the same weather that killed Radio Raheem. Think about it!

What says you, as always to share is to care and hashish. What items do you never leave home without?

Stay tuned for Monday Ranting/Blog Challenge 11 where I’ll discuss the four ways to win my heart…I envision shenanigans!

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Comments
One Response to “Blog Challenge 10: Never Leave Home Without It…”
  1. 3 & 4 did me IN!! i of course feel you most on #4, being of the “burnt beige” ilk myself. my winter whites kill ’em but in the spring & summer i cain’t gets no love. that doesn’t stop me from trying. i am currently what they call golden french fry, which will probably remain til october & then the winter whites make their sickening appearance again. WHO are these people who sweat the light bright?!?

    i’ll refrain from speakin on #3. that’s books. that’s days. that’s time we ain’t got.

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