Monday Ranting – Things I Learned While on Vacation

One of the beaches in Hamilton Bermuda!!!!!

If you hadn’t noticed I haven’t been ‘round these parts lately. This is with good reason…I’ve been on vacation. That’s right fun in the sun, smacking ass (as I was so nicely permitted) and taking shots all in that order. Well maybe not in that exact order but I did take a couple of shots and I plead the 1…2…3…4…fiiiiffff (Chappelle voice) on the ass smacking. Just know that Ramon from the Dominican Republic was haute.

Overall my vacation was fantabulous. It lived up to everything that a vacation should be…and more. For one I was away from my family. That is no knock to my family because they are the wind beneath my wings but every so often I need me time. More than anything the vacation provided much-needed direct sun action to unearth my inner chocolate. Oh yeah I am tan-a-licious, not to be confused with Fergalicious thanks in large part to Hawaiian Tropics spray tanning oil. My goal upon exiting the island of Bermuda…maintain a decent level of outside activity so the sun blessed skin stays chocolate versus my normal shade of beige-ish toffee.

Tanning and moderate ass smacking aside there were a couple things I learned while cruising to and from Bermuda. The list is about as random as my thoughts these days and in no particular order.

It is quite possible to survive without a cell phone or laptop for up to a week!

Yes I know this presents as the antithesis of black men’s wave formations but it is oh so very true. Before setting sail I remember asking repeatedly if wifi would be available. My thought process, if I can send e-mail 75,000 ft in the air I damn sure better be able to play Words with Friends while at sea. Come now y’all know that Words with Friends knocks like a Waka Flocka beat…I’m bussing at em!

Like any normal excursion I brought Marty along. Marty my Macbook takes all trips whether business or pleasure. I had full intention to Tweet, FB and Blog from a lounge chair on boat or beach letting you good people know the ins and outs of my cruising extravaganza. Boy was I wrong. Not soon after leaving the dock in fair Baltimore my phone went from five bars of cell powered wonderfulness to no service. AT&T dropped kicked the wind out of my sails and wifi was no more. Instead of wallowing in my verklemptness I whipped up lemonade with my lemons. I tucked the cellie in my make-up bag and packed away my laptop. Dare I say, after settling in the first night and charting my excursions for the coming week I hit my cat daddy, well more like the humpty dance and didn’t look back. No hair pulling out type withdrawal symptoms occurred as a result of going technology-less. It actually felt cozy as a Snuggie in the middle of the winter.

Packing on vacation weight is not a good look!

Prior to leaving on vacation fifty eleven people told me to beware of the all night snacking for it was quite possible to return from cruising with vacation gut. Since I’m allergic to becoming a gremlin I heeded the warnings but not without first stumbling. We all fall short of the glory; don’t judge me.

Initially I over indulged in snacks but quickly adjusted my regime by proactively warding off gremlin syndrome. What was your secret? Glad you asked…I equipped myself with an ample supply of fuji apples. Any time I thought I might want to nibble on a cookie or slurp another ice cream cone I went into my travel bag and grabbed an apple. How’d you like them apples…I like them very well kind sir! I walked off the boat satisfied that I avoided the perils of midnight snacking and thoroughly evaded vacation gut. Come on make it clap for me!

Never will I ever vacation with other people’s children!

Sharing small quarters with a six year old helped further push being a parent down on the list of things I might want to do in life. If it’s possible I believe I used every ounce of patience in my person not to cuss out and/or physically hurt a small child. Most people who know me realize I generally have a two-hour window for children. I admit my weaknesses. This is not because I dislike children on any level, true they’re walking petri dishes but otherwise kids actually make my heart happy…as long as a responsible adult other than myself accompanies them. After two hours expire my brain zones completely out. Despite the cooing of doting parents, kids aren’t nearly as cute or exciting as they’re made out to be. Yes I get that what I just said sounds like I kick kittens for fun but this is my trust tree and sharing is caring.

Above anything else I deplore ill behaved children. Ill behaved can be defined in many ways however, my number one pet peeve, a child that doesn’t know his/her place. If children were capable of making life decisions parenting wouldn’t be required, on this perch I stand 1000%. When I was a child, not that I co-sign violence, The Man Wander Married delivered swift justice if I walked the line. Talking back brought not only stung lips but also hurt feelings. It only took a couple of instances before I straightened up and flew right. Side note I believe that in the military service men and women are taught stealth-like ninja punishments that leave no bruising but hurt like a muthaflucker!

On a sad note I also learned that if you leave a rumcake in your stateroom after packing your bags and exiting you will not get it back…BBM sad face!

One Response to “Monday Ranting – Things I Learned While on Vacation”
  1. The Insane Asylum (Mr. Chap) says:

    Sounds like you had quite an adventure. I’m glad you’re back though. Seriously. I miss your posts.


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