Hashish My Brother Says – I’m In My Grown Man Bag

Same man different swagger...he still a camel doe!

My brother has witnessed a phenomenon the past few months. Women of all sorts have been showing him extra love. Just yesterday some hoodrat named Foxxie (note the spelling) threw her panties at him and asked to feel his cultivated locks (he’d be a bit miffed if I called them dreads). OK I was exaggerating a bit, she didn’t throw her panties however she was so blinded by the German engineering that she completely missed my five inch uck me pumps in the passenger seat, flashing lights! Subtle details are often times lost on the rats of the hood.

While driving home the night of Foxxie’s approach we had this conversation.

TLB: Yo I’m sexy.
Me: Whatever
TLB: Seriously I’m sexy. All these biddies be trying to get at me.
Me: You ain’t that cute!
TLB: You hating on my sexy. This chick just cracked on me.
Me: I’m not hating on your sexy boy. You do look nice though.
TLB: You know it, I’m in my grown man bag, these hoes just don’t know.
Me: Grown men stay winning.
TLB: Ha ha like my man Charlie….but for real I been bagging b*tches since I was rocking nightgown t-shirts. Taking them down! Member dat?
Me: I remember you in all baggy everything. Your shirts used to come past your knees.
TLB: I know we planned it that way. It was like yo man tomorrow lets rock them white t’s pass our knees!

Before nut hugging jeans were all the rage adolescent men had an equally hoodtabulous practice, excessively baggy jeans. Honestly it was all baggy everything. Nothing fit. I playfully refer to this form of dress as clown car clothing. After pealing away layer after layer you were left with a malnourished Somali man…oh wait I mean Souljah Boy…guess that’s really like the same thing. In any event grown arse women playing hide the sausage with men who wear nightgown t-shirts is a major dating faux pas. Do not pass go do not collect two hunnid dollars.

After Jay-Z swept through the speakers of a ghetto near you rocking tailored suits looking like an owner, dudes started down the righteous path of grown man hashish. Gone were the throwback jerseys and ill fitting fitted caps. Closets expanded to include crisp button downs with sweaters and even some slacks. Oh yeah it was a massive changing of the guard and us womenfolk showed our appreciation.

No longer was it necessary to describe in full detail the upscale-ness of your best friend’s birthday party because you knew your Mr. Right Now would show looking shitty sharrap. Ball shorts were worn when playing ball and Timberland boots resumed their true calling, all-purpose construction work. Stars aligned and the neighbors began to know his name. But like all good things, they most certainly come to an end. In my mind, this was an end brought on by a child size roach, Lil Wayne. I truly blame Wayne and maybe emo arse Kanye West for the slow unraveling of grown man hashish.

Somewhere between the block being hot and moving through a sentence like a subject and a predicate, Lil Wayne obliterated common sense. He dismantled clear thought, put the game on deadbolt and impregnated three chicks, in the same year no less. All this while wearing women’s jeans, tattooing his face and smelling like spoiled corn beef hash (this is just an assumption it might be more like boiled hotdog water). That would all signify a negative in my book but clearly I’m wrong. Kool kids the world over swapped button downs for smedium t-shirts and their sister’s jeans.

How did it happen, the world may never know! What I know for sure is that no grown arse man should wear pants so tight I question their department of purchase. This is just wrong on many many levels. I also know that no grown arse woman should walk with a man wearing jeans tighter than hers carrying a satchel unless he’s her hair stylist. Don’t get me wrong I’m not against jeans that fit. A nice pair of jeans that accentuate the male tookus never hurt anyone. But what is most unacceptable is a pair of tight skinny jeans sagging off the male arse, a smedium t-shirt and a pair of dusty Vans. iWon’t! iCan’t! iStruggle! You are not to call my phone if you are over 25 and you own any parts of that last outfit. I make concessions for Vans because they are in fact the bees knees and all types of comfortable.

Often I sit back and ponder how can jeans so tight actually sag off one’s ass. The answer continues to escape me. What befuddles me even more these young men stay winning in the groupie department and that they are in fact wearing belts. WTF for I ask since their leggings jeans are at their knees. I fear the rats of the hood will say swagger. Right now I know at least four chicks who would easily bite pillows for Lil Wayne with no shame. This makes my heart cry a thousand baby tears.

Of course there are dissenters, a select few gentlemen who acknowledge colorful skinny jeans much like nightgown t-shirts are an unfortunate fashion phase. Instead they opt for their grown man bag. Maybe this is a sign that I’m getting older wiser but I’d much prefer a man in appropriately fitting clothes. Or I could be turning into my parents…on second thought skinny jeans and smedium t-shirts for everyone! Who am I kidding that hashish is the antithesis of dope. Wait can I still use dope?

What says you, what questionable fashion trends do you remember? Are you putting up two thumbs to the sagging skinny jeans and smedium t-shirts? Which trend do you think is worse all baggy everything or attack of the Lil Wayneans?

7 Responses to “Hashish My Brother Says – I’m In My Grown Man Bag”
  1. Can you still use “dope?” Chile, please. I’m cold lampin, readin’ this & bowin my head in silence for all these dudes out here growing uteri. Yes…I pluralized it.

    I ain’t got to actually speak on nothing else. You said it all. Coffin. Sealed.

    • Faith M. says:

      LMAO and SMH at uteri…preach my sister preach! I truly don’t understand grown men in jeans their baby sister’s could fit. I understand trends and fashion and all that stuff but come on son, nut huggers aren’t cute.

  2. The Insane Asylum (Mr. Chap) says:

    I’m so glad I didn’t grow up in the saggy-jeans/white t-shirt era. Tight jeans era too. I couldn’t even function right if I ever wore tight jeans. Back in the early 90’s, a dude could get beat up for wearing nut-huggers. Now they’re wearing the huggers with the sag on em, and chicks love it.

    I used to rock the Boyz II Men style in high school, so I stayed dressed most of the time. I had to choose between the two styles, I’d have to go with baggy. And I don’t like baggy clothes on people. I keep thinking of Lisa Bonet.


    • Faith M. says:

      Yes I’m horriprised by the trend but even more baffled and befuddled by the women who date these men. I don’t want to date a man who can wear my jeans or shops in the same department as me. Granted I do own some men’s t-shirts but that’s completely different.

      Boyz II Men huh, interesting. I tell you Chappy you get more and more intriguing as the days go on. Side note please don’t poke fun at Lisa Bonet…one of my friends said that all of my outfits are inspired by Lisa Bonet during her Cosby years. I won’t lie…I am very much in love with flowy shirts and skinny jeans/tights.

  3. Chappy, Sir, welcome over to my spot. That’s #1. #2, HOW IN THE INFERTILITY HELL did dudes come to be OK w/having their sack all squoze (yeah I said it) up in some tough denim?!? What happened to cats wantin “room to breathe?” It ain’t gotta be all prison right but dammit if I wan’ see ya ass crack AND ya ashy knees all in the same raggey 5*7*9 outfit ON A DUDE!!

  4. Ice Cold says:

    If I rock the european bootcut jean am I guilty of falling into the trend? They fit me extra snug. Also, I thought women like to see the cock print of the mangina? Or do they just do it to me?

    * Captain Morgan pose *

    Excuse my hashness… 😦

    • Faith M. says:

      You are well within your right as a man to wear european bootcut jeans. You will get a fashion thumbs up from me for styling this perfectly. European bootcut fits snug in the right places and flares out to fit perfectly over a great pair of shoes. I would consider them grown man hashish.

      And contrary to popular belief mangina is such the utter turn off. This is almost as bad as seeing a women with a vajumach (that would be a combination of a vagina and stomach), most unpleasant I know.

      Your hashness is excused.

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