Yoga is Practical – Where They Do That At

She's making it look easy...bish!

Sometimes during yoga class I have what the fluck moments. This usually has something to do with the asana the instructor’s suggesting defying gravity. Or more accurately defies what I think is humanly possible for my body. Before each session I recite I think I can mantras trying to push myself a little further than the previous week. However, I’m positive I’ll never attempt the kakasana, crow pose. Besides increasing physical and mental balance, the crow develops mental tranquility and also strengthens your wrists and forearms. That’s all well and good but I’ont wanna do it. It looks like half a Kama Sutra scene gone wrong. If we’re talking Kama Sutra it should at least be a full scene with a happy ending. Anything less is just cruel and unusual punishment.

My aversion to trying the kakasana is more fear than ability. When I first started yoga I didn’t think I had the chutzpah to see if through, but I proved my haters and myself wrong. I like to envision my haters as chubby imps with bad hair weaves because it makes brushing their dirt off my shoulder that much easier. Consider if my haters were Stacey Dash-ish, I might question myself. To the point, yoga builds determination; however if the asana forces thoughts of an impending hospitalization I’d rather have a V8…well not really a V8 because they taste like wet steel pipes. I’d rather have a Pepsi Max, zero calories but all the tasty goodness.

Side note: I know that soda is bad for me but I delude myself into believing that the zero calorie ones are harmless. Esophagus erosion aside I enjoy the sting of a strong soda…I have a masochistic relationship with carbonated beverages don’t judge me.

While my instructor may enjoy manipulating her body into oddly erotic positions leveraging her body weight on her elbows I’m not about that life. (The body weight on my elbows part just for clarification.) No sir I’m not. As if the fear of toppling forward wasn’t enough I could also very easily break both my arms. Nah son, I don’t get down like that. And quite honestly I feel some type of way my instructor tried to guilt me into the pose with her upside down stank eye…bish please!

Sometimes I think the hussy is crazy. (After hearing Dionne Warwick use hussy on Celebrity Apprentice a few weeks ago I’m adding it back to my everyday lingusticals. It should be followed by the most condescending stank eye you can muster. ) Crazy is sweeping the planet. Just the other day I read that the British authorities confiscated a shipment of breast milk ice cream due to safety concerns. Oh no you didn’t read that wrong someone is actually taking human breast milk and making butter pecan ice cream. To be fair I’m not sure if these Bessie’s are churning out butter pecan but they are producing ice cream and selling it for $22.76 per martini glass. Oh they fancy huh? You can’t eat ice cream pasteurized from chicks out of Dixie cups. I mean that would just be uncivilized. Baby Gaga, as it’s so nicely named, seemed to be all the rage too, selling out the first shipment in just a few days.

The report went on to note that the milk came from 15 women who responded to an online advertisement located on a forum (Craigslist?) aimed at mothers. After securing the donations, heifers not even making money off their tetas de leche, the milk was screened for quality and mixed with vanilla and lemon. Sounds scrumptilious right, outside of that side of hepatitis. As it turns out after all that screening for the highest quality and serving it in Martini glasses two consumers may have gotten infected. Hmm I wonder how that happened? Inquiring minds want to know! Baby Gaga founder, Matt O’Connor, argues that if it’s good enough for our babies it should be good enough for us as adults. He might need a lesson in the spread of infectious disease, me no know.

Now I’m not one to knock anyone’s hustle but is he serious? Granted the first person to turn his mouth up to the teat of a cow and suck out the milk was probably stoned to death for being a pervert. We’ve got a 1000+ years of science behind this practice. In this instance I’d prefer not to rage against the machine. I’ve even heard wind of husbands partaking in the natural milk from time to time, but I thought this was some fetish shyt like Furries and dropped out of the conversation seeing as I had nothing constructive to add. For the life of me I can’t imagine drinking or eating any foodstuffs made from my own breast milk let alone Shelly’s from down the street. In some third world country this is probably a way of life but praise little baby Jesus for me being born in present day America.

After the initial what the fuck-ness of this story wore off, I found myself thinking who signs up to donate their milk to produce ice cream? Does one wake up in the morning stretch, scratch and say today feels like the day I’ll squeeze out the last of my supply and send it to Britain to make high priced desserts. Did you not get enough hugs as a child?

This is pimpage at it’s best though. Considering the level of freak shyt that goes down I’m 86.4% positive, despite the hepatitis scare, there’s a back order for Baby Gaga and the harvesters aren’t even on the payroll. They supply Mr. O’Connell with their goodies and receive none of the profit. Even a two-dollar hoe makes a fifty-cent come up. These chicks need management.

I’m still shaking my head. Much like the kakasana this is another thing on my nevah gonna happen list. What says you, would you try the tetas de leche? Are you skeeved out that there’s a market for ice cream made out of human breast milk? Am I overreacting again? You can tell me we’re in the trust tree nest! If you had to choose between the kakasana or the ice cream, which would it be?

8 Responses to “Yoga is Practical – Where They Do That At”
  1. The concept of breast milk ice cream is gross.

    It seems that the older I get, the more conscious I am about germs, disorders and diseases. I just can’t see my ass I get anal glaucoma when I think about consuming human milk. Sure they’ll test it for something, but all I can think about is eating someone’s high blood pressure, a fat gene, or that thing that makes old people’s mouths twitch involuntarily.


    • Faith M. says:

      Somehow I feel like eating someone’s high blood pressure might be a little better than say Hep B. I could be wrong doe. But I’m with you on that old people’s mouth twitch I don’t think I could handle that in my dirty thirty phase I’m about to go through.

  2. *OnlyYolie* says:

    i don’t even know what to say about breast milk ice cream… i’m not saying if people like it don’t do it.. i have my own problems i won’t purchase it though. but i’m disappointed that these ladies are giving their breast milk for that and not donating it to hospitals… breast milk is BEST for babies and i do believe that they should get it any way possible. women that are willing should be lining up at hospitals and other medical facilities and giving these babies (usually very sick, premature etc) a chance at a stronger system!! it would be screened properly there as well… hmpf

    • Faith M. says:

      I never actually thought about who else the women could donate their extra supply to. I’d feel much better about knowing their milk went to children in need vs some pervert who’s getting off on knowing his lemon and/or vanilla ice cream came from the breast milk of a woman.

  3. 1. milk of ANY kind isn’t actually meant for adult ANYTHING to drink. EVERY mammal’s young get weaned & they NEVER come back for a nostalgic sip. awwww, Ma, ‘member when i used to curl up under your right rear leg & suckle from teat #5?” yeah….NO!

    2. there are women out here in the world who so strongly believe in the powers of breast milk that they don’t mind suckling anything that needs it (a la Selma Hayek). it’s free of charge. i cain’t eff widdit cuz it’s a lil too close to all my Mammy nightmares. i’da easily become Strange Fruit after being told to go share MY younguns’ ninny w/the baby of the Missus. no ma’am!! back to the point. you can skip offering these women money for what they consider to be a public service.

    3. cain’t n’er 1’adem have a husband. HE’da been like “GTFOHWTBS!! IF i let you do this BS, oh it’s GON’ BE some dollars involved.”

    4. girl, get on over ya’self. i’ve done this pose, w/no knowledge of its name. it’s not painful. it’s like pilates where you’re body weight provides the resistance. you are never too heavy to hold up yourself as long as you are not on Team Morbidly Obese.

    • Faith M. says:

      Big girl pill swallowed must try kakasana…and thank you for making me feel like Precious, LOL. Anywayz the images you’ve conjured of mammy are making me feel some type of way. I’m so not about that life. Together we’d be swinging.

      LMAO at #3, I’m thinking they’re single too. For whatever when I read this story I kept thinking about a Nephew Tommy crank call about a man wanting another man’s wife to come over and breast feed his baby.

  4. i hesitate to watch ANYTHING steve harvey related. i gotta take a few deep breaths & apologize at the shrine of black pride & pray no one is looking thru my window as i watch this.

    i’on’tknow what i said but it seems REAL HARD to make anyone feel like Precious…so, i ‘pologize for whatever i said that did all’at. we’re even cuz you’re making me watch the troll that hangs from steve harvey’s nut sack.

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