Hashish My Brother Says: I’m Glad They Was Able to Find Each Other…

Isn't this precious?

By now a pattern has emerged. If it’s Wednesday you should read about the hashish my brother says. Not because it’s particularly life altering, but simply because it’s funny. It makes you feel good on the inside, no Billy Bob Thornton.

On days when I don’t go to yoga I partake in senseless television. One of those shows is the Newlywed Game. I partly watch to see if Sherri Shephard takes a tumble, come on y’all remember Scarlet. If Sherri tilts at a 60 degree angle it’s so over for her. I know this from past experience suffering from a similar affliction but to a lesser degree. Model Friend will attest that I almost toppled during a rather un-intense work-out session at LA Fitness. My balance forever altered once the ta-tas broached the scene. No worries, I’m comfortable with my clumsy.

While watching the sometimes racy always hootlarious Newlywed Game this conversation took place between the Little Brother and I.

TLB: That’s nice! Smiling
Me: What’s nice goofy?
TLB: I’m just glad they was able to find each other, you know.
Me: Who are we talking about?
TLB: The midgets!
Me: You can’t be serious right now.
TLB: It can’t be that many of them. So it’s nice they found each other.
Me: I bet they have support groups or clubs or something.
TLB: You think?

Not that I’m unhappy for the midgets. I’m overly excited for anyone who finds true love. Those smediums looked extremely happy together so who am I to rain on their parade. Side note TLB said the smidget woman was haute…fetish I think yes. In my mind I envision small people conventions where dwarves and midgets alike come to fellowship. After they fellowship, they get drunk put on costumes and ride scooters. Oh wait that’s the circus but you smell what I’m cooking.

Every group has their own e-harmony-esque website for members of their community unscathed by Cupid’s arrow. Just the other day while surfing the world wide web, how 1997 of me, I stumbled upon a dating site for 5’7” women seeking 6ft+ men. Am I confusing this with a dream I had, possibly! My point, whatever half or completely odd thing about you, there’s probably a yang to your ying. Wander always says there’s someone for everyone. As I get up in age still trying to find a peen to call my own there are a few things in the game of love a man must have in order to make me wanna play.

Recognize that I’m into you but I also need my personal space.

Maintaining the right balance between couple-time and personal time can be tricky. Too much togetherness can lead to Snarks feeling smothered and I’m not a pork chop so back the ef back. Get a hobby. iStruggle way hard with this one. As a person who enjoys alone time being in a relationship rubs up against the very nature of who I am. Equally nourishing to my soul, sitting at home writing with nothing but the sound of the keys clicking or busting it up on date night with my dude, I need the person I’m with to understand that idiosyncrasy! And love it. I’m secure enough not to need you up my tookus all hours of the day and night. You’re hanging with your bruhs, solid let’s link up afterwards for grown folk time.

This should go without saying but a man absolutely must have good hygiene

Granted I’m a bit of a germ-o-phobe. Not to the extent of The Best Friend who refuses to date anyone who doesn’t use a wash cloth but I am very concerned with the cleanliness factor. How does one actually clean ALL parts of his body without a wash cloth? Inquiring minds and shit!

Unless you’re a mechanic your nails should always be clean. Is this nitpicky of me? Of course it is but it’s my house and I live here. At the same time you don’t understand the mechanics of my brain. I’m quirky. If I see your subpar fingernails I will analyze the many things that could be crammed underneath them. Not to mention the countless ways you might have gotten it there. My mind is a jungle I suggest not getting lost.

It will and has skeeved me beyond belief if you sit on my bed without first cleaning your body and changing out of your outdoor clothes. Life’s been accosting you at all stops all day long I don’t in any way need that climbing into my sheets. As a reminder, I mentioned this countless times to The Spaniard, you don’t have to smell to be dirty. While someone who smells is always dirty a person can be dirty without always smelling mmmmkay. Cleanliness is next to Godliness so go on, wash your ass, and then we’ll watch Martin Lawrence.

Don’t back down because I’m strong minded, flex your man muscle.

Above anything else what draws me to a man, the number one thing is just being a man. This will have me fetching libations out of the water of Lake Minnetonka, on you hard like Prince was on Apollonia.

My mouth is slick (first definition). Not hoodrat slick, but slick none the less. At 29 years young I don’t foresee it changing. I need a man who deals with the tongue and handles it well. If I pop fly, I need my man to assertively, no Chris Brown, remind me to watch my tone, remember to use my inside voice…Gushing! Playfully I’ll respond out the side of my mouth but not in an emasculating way. I need that playful banter back and forth. No real woman wants a pushover.

Of course these aren’t the only things I look for when perusing the singles. I think being honest, respectful, tall and kind are sort of givens. So what says you, what are some of the musts to play in your garden?

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Comments
4 Responses to “Hashish My Brother Says: I’m Glad They Was Able to Find Each Other…”
  1. cardiogirl says:

    I think you might be getting tired of this, but I love Faith speak and I always have to point out my favorite line (or two) when I start a comment. Today’s favorite:

    While someone who smells is always dirty a person can be dirty without always smelling mmmmkay.

    That’s like Confucius! Love. That.

    Hmm, my number one trait is a good sense of humor. He’s got to be able to take a little bit of ribbing, be able to give it back, be witty and quick on his feet and he has to share my sense of humor. That’s not too tall of an order, is it?

    Oh yeah. He also has to be clean.

    • Faith M. says:

      How could I forget a sense of humor. Otherwise I’d be left a with a clean guy who was boring as a log. A sense of humor is definitely up there on my list of must haves. But it has to be within in reason…for instance I couldn’t date a Jim Carey type but I could definitely go for a tall glass of Vince Vaughn. Someone who’s always on would make me want to choke him.

      Side note I don’t get tired of this, I sometimes think I wonder what line CG will like this time…I’m never right but it doesn’t stop me from playing the game!

  2. She has to have a sense of humor, is in touch with what’s going on in the world, doesn’t listen to Waka Flocka or Gucci Mane all day, can read and write, have at least one opposable thumb and doesn’t look like a chupacabra.

    ~Chappy
    http://www.insaneasylumblog.com

    • Faith M. says:

      LMAO this is funny because I was also thinking he must not look like a chupacabra, I am so serious! The reason being I was watching Bones on xfinitytv a week or so ago and the episode was about proving myths wrong. The myth the show was fighting against was the chupacabra. Not sure if you watch Bones, it’s a bit of a wonky show but it passes time…here’s the link http://xfinitytv.comcast.net/tv/Bones/94501/1882375436/The-Truth-in-the-Myth/videos

      Anyway one of my guilty pleasures is listening to ignant rap music. I know it’s wrong and I probably lose a few brain cells every time I plug in but I just can’t help myself. There should be an anonymous group made of for people like me…it’s a party it’s a party it’s a partay!!!! You might find this funny.

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