Hashish My Brother Says–…Like She Walked out the Swamp

Am I a 10?

The Little Brother, TLB as he’s commonly known by no one but me, basically says and does absolutely off the wall stuff all the time that needs to be shared with the world. Excuse the disclaimer but here it goes. Buckle up and enjoy the ride.

TLB: …so you’re saying Brandy isn’t a 10.
Me: Did you smoke away all of your brain cells. No one but you thinks Brandy’s a10.
TLB: Alright at least 8 then
Me: At best she’s a 5.
TLB: Come on you act like she on Precious level. You making me real mad right now.
Me: For real Precious, who said Precious’ a 5?
TLB: uh…you act like Brandy look like she walked out the swamp
Me: What? (walks away shaking my head)

This is how many of our conversations go I mean how can you argue with that logic? Clearly if you don’t look like Precious or Swamp Thing respectfully you’re a 10. iCan’t with him on so many levels. His Hedy Carlson obsession with Brandy can’t be winning. Although it’s doubtful he’d chop off his cultivated locks and rock a busted lace front I see the potential for low-key Facebook stalking her fan page in his future. Consider that fair warning.

Not that low-key internet stalking is a crime or anything. Crushes and potential boos definitely get zabasearched.

Don’t get me wrong, Brandy is talented but drinking her bathwater probably isn’t on many dudes or bi-curious chicks’ bucket lists. My germ-a-phobe tendencies prohibit drinking bath water among other things just in case you were curious. My initial thought was she’s a 10…what kind of scale are we using? It must be opposite’s week on Sesame Street because one of these things is not like the other. Oh wait am I confusing my latch key kid nursery rhymes again?

Anywho after thoroughly shaking my head at TLB and walking away muttering about praying for the youth in the Philadelphia public school system I started to really think about the scales of attraction. If Brandy isn’t a 10 or 1, where does she fall? Who can she run to, to fill this empty space…clearly not Ray J. I’d have to agree with my brother that Precious is definitely a 1. I refuse to give someone a zero or negative ranking because that would just be way harsh and I’m all about peace, love and soul about these parts. As a positive she seems like a smart bubbly person which is always a plus when unfortunate-ness strikes both your face and body.

But then I said hold up Snarks (I sometimes call myself this)…why am I ranking these women anyway? Why are women constantly subjected to rankings and hierarchies and bloating? How about fair play and making the men take a ride on the scales of attraction!

As if this is a surprise, Flava Flav is clearly residing in 1 territory. But not to fret, King of the Clock isn’t alone. There’s just enough space on Fugly Island for Carrot Top. Muscles can’t hide the debauchery that is his face. Typically funny men gain points with humor but not this time. I know he scares small children.

Holding it down as a 2 in not quite as fugly-ville is David Caruso. His acting ability is questionable at best and his face is just unpleasant. If you need another example of 2-ness you can also think about Jack Black. I don’t give two ucks what you say he’s not funny and to be truthful since we’re in the trust tree nest and all I’m 85.7% positive he smells like sour apple sauce.

As we start to move up the ramp toward human…because frankly Jack Black is a praying mantis in human clothes, we have the 3s. I don’t have anything snarky to say about these folks they just don’t do it for me and that is all. My selections are Eddie Griffin and Drew Carey.

Something funky starts happening when you talk about the 4s. I’ll admit after two to three red rum shots I might consider a date with the men I’m about to list. Will Ferrel is no looker yet he does have a certain level of appeal. And I low-key think Forrest Whitaker is brilliant…doesn’t really change the gaffe that is his face, I’m just being honest.

No one wants to be in the middle but hell I see nothing wrong with your average joe or jane. To keep it 100, this is where most of the population sits, stars or otherwise if we remove the chips off our shoulders. Anywho just regular could find them in the grocery store tonight before I go home….Cuba Gooding Jr or Adam Sandler. You could take them or leave them right; I thought so.

Tides are beginning to turn in the 6 slot. These are the gents you are or that you may or may not have gone to the prom with forgetting that sex isn’t a prom favor, I could be wrong. I consider these lads the average joe plus, Vince Vaughn or Terrance Howard.

Hold the phone, panties are dropping and Plan Bs are being popped, too far? Throw a suit on these fellas and it’s going to the chapel time for a lot of womenfolk. The lads resting on 7 are spoonable and I can’t stand sharing sleeping space…I have issues, don’t judge me. I’ll take Adam Levine and Omar Epps, circa Love and Basketball, for 1000 Alex. When Epps raises his eyebrow unmentionable things happen for me.

A small disclaimer, I’m about to show a whole lot of racial bias in the next few selections but it’s my place and I live here so you can love me or leave me alone. To complete the ranking at number 8 I’m going so hard for 2000 Lenny Kravitz (the Again video nuff said) and Daniel Sunjata (now on Grey’s Anatomy providing all the reason in the world to date a nurse).

If that wasn’t hot enough for you the 9s are coming. These men slay bishes! Usually their personality sits on douche 23/6…come on it’s hard to be a prick all day. But I’d guess their lady friends don’t really care. Insert, Idris Elba and Morris Chestnut a la The Best Man.

And finally the crème de la crème as they say in France…a British Arab boxer with true Adonis DNA, Amir Khan. And last but absolutely not least, Lance ‘fioner than wine” Gross.

Screams Sexual Chocolate Sexual Chocolate….drops mike and walks off stage!

These are just my humble opinions. How do the leading men of today and even yesterday rank on your scale of attractiveness.

10 Responses to “Hashish My Brother Says–…Like She Walked out the Swamp”
  1. cardiogirl says:

    Oh how I have missed you, Faith! These are a few of my favorite lines today:

    For real Precious, who said Precious’ a 5?

    As if this is a surprise, Flava Flav is clearly residing in 1 territory

    Usually their personality sits on douche 23/6…come on it’s hard to be a prick all day.

    Screams Sexual Chocolate Sexual Chocolate….drops mike and walks off stage!

    Alright, I think Dr. Drew is a 10. Yes he’s a nerdy intellectual but I love his glasses and that silver hair. And he has some wicked biceps. He also seems really approachable and easy to get along with; he would love me without judgment.

    I also think Eddie Cibrian is pretty smokin’ — he’s a 10 — but I’d be way too insecure to be with him. People would say, “Who’s the troll with Eddie?” And there’s no way I could handle that criticism.

    Weird side note: Reading this post made me remember that I had a dream last night that Jack Black was the electrician/carpenter/some sort of general contractor guy who was at my house working on updating my basement. There’s no innuendo with that. He was building stuff in my house.

    • Faith M. says:

      Hey CG,

      I think it’s only fitting that you’re the first person to comment on my blog!!!! (E-WAVING Frantically) I’m so glad you decided to venture to my wordpress side of town. I’ll be blogging here from now on…not sure why I didn’t start here it’s the bomb dot com.

      Anywho….I ❤ your choices. And I think you have a chance with Eddie he has a propensity to stray but I'm not sure Mr. C will like this, consider that a warning…yells watch your back LeAnn Rhimes with your skinny arms, LOL! I think a lot of women have this fear of being less pretty than their mate…I feel a post coming about this in the future.

      Besides being a brain (swoooooon), Dr. Drew is haute like fire! Silver fox is segsi!

      Oh and kudos on your use of wicked it reminds me of my recent visit to Hartford, CT and a certain actuary who says wicked every chance she gets!

      So about this side note…did he in anyway shake off his human skin and reveal the praying mantis below? Must google the meaning of building stuff in dreams.

  2. avery says:

    “…Who said Precious’ a 5?” I will find a way to work this line or some variation thereof into a conversation this week.

  3. Yeaaa, you’re ALIVE!!! I almost put out an ABP or something or other on ya… so. I’m going to skip 1-5, b/c my radar only picks up 6 & above (exceptions, when I’m drinking and or sick)

    My 10 is Mechad Brooks…don’t sue me. I seen Lance Gross in person…too short for me…he gets an 8 in my book. Idris, would def get a 10. So would Lisa Bonet’s boyfriend (Jason Momoa, or just that hot guy), Maxwell gets a 10 simply because he can put me to sleep…and Antonio Banderas…Original Sin.

    Ummm, my honorable mentions: Anderson Cooper…(I don’t know, gray is kinda cool…), Pooch Hall, George Clooney

    • Faith M. says:

      Hey Diva,

      Hold up an ABP on me…you been way sporadic on these here innawebs too if I say so myself. You get a pass though cause I know you got school stuff…a small pass

      Anywayz, I’m digging your list. And how short are we talking because he may have to get down graded? Mechad Brooks can get it any day of the week and twice on Sunday…yes I said it say small prayers for me! And I see that you and Cardio have a thang for the silver foxes. Anderson Cooper and Dr. Drew made top ten for you ladies.

  4. lol

    You are too crazy! Brandy isn’t that bad. I mean, doesn’t personality factor in anywhere? She’s no 10, but she can get a 7, can’t she?

    btw, me <——————- germ-o-phobe


    • Faith M. says:

      Mr. Chap as a fellow germ-o-phobe I have to like you but I don’t have to agree. Brandy is a 5 on a good day. As I asked my brother, have you seen her hairline? But on the good side the girl has vocals and seems like a nice enough person.

  5. Only stopping long enough to cosign, amen corner & peanut gallery on Mechad Brooks. I actually think it’s time I wrote him an open letter.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: